Seventh

February 7

The day I came to this world, a day where everyone gets excited about the day they were born, right? This year I think for the first time in my life I'm not looking forward to it, I guess with everything going on in my life I'm just not excited to celebrate my birthday. I have realized that I am alone, no friends, nobody to celebrate it with, no one to actually call and wish me the best (besides mom) yes I will spend time with my daughters but I do that every day, not much of a difference there, sure I'll get the call or text from my mom and her FB post, probably my grandmother will do the same (without the FB post) and my 6-year-old will probably sing to me, but that's about it. Also, I'll get all the happy birthday wishes from all the FB ”friends” but those are just because Facebook reminds everyone, the same message will be said, ”HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAY” or ” HAVE AN AMAZING DAY”.

The reality is no one will actually call to say that, everyone just fades over time and honestly I sit here thinking about it and all the friends I used to hangout with, we’ve gone our separate ways and we don’t keep in touch with each other, so yeah they’ll fb celebrate the day but actually won’t reach out, just another day in the world. True it goes both ways and I haven’t been the best friend that I used to be, I don’t reach out anymore as well, I guess that’s why this year is harder, even though it’s been like that for a few years now, but with my vulnerability being at its peak, yeah I have realized how isolated I’ve put myself that I actually feel alone... Sad.

Yeah it's silly to talk about what you wish would happen, but I honestly can't change the fact that I put myself in this position as well, though I will try to change that from here on out, no one wants to feel alone on their birthday, no one wants to feel alone period. So yeah I may be being a bit dramatic about this, and yeah I know we all grow and go do our own things, but I just want to feel some kind of special on my day. I think this is why I don't look forward to it, I isolated from everyone, became someone different, and now lay in my bed wondering why did I do this to myself. I know it won't change unless I take the steps and do it, so I will try and hope for the best.

So to all my friends that over the years we have slowly lost contact, I'm sorry I've been a crappie friend, sorry I only reach out on your birthday on the most basic way, sorry if I didn't reach out at all. I will try to be different and try to actually reach out to you personally not only on your birthday but just randomly and see where you at in your journey in life. I hope y'all understand, forgive and move forward with our friendship.

Love y'all

Me 💜