Part 2: All I Have

Honestly, I really took a while to write this part, that’s why you see the date gap. Talking about something like this is hurtful but I gotta push myself. See I’ve learned in the past 9-10 years to shelter from social media in a way, from my personal life. I barely post things on social media and when I do, it’s barely related directly to me, it’s more my kids, funny stuff or anything I find I like or enjoy. I promised my self that, when it comes to me and my feelings, not to hold back on anything… so here I am trying… 

So… After a while of being up in the cloud of happiness, one day I literally fell… fell HARD! I remember it like it was today! Blissfully living what I thought was the best time of my life, and honestly, it was!… don’t get me wrong, like I said we were in unison, everything just came naturally, we did everything together, even home projects and it felt AMAZING! Like I said I thought I found THE ONE. But little did I know that, no matter what, no matter how transparent I could have been, no matter how open I was and told him I was there for him, no matter how much I tried to be understanding, no matter how much I believed it was reciprocated, that wasn’t the truth. (After a certain point on) See I became oblivious to the body language, the non-verbal actions that was going on. He one day just said he was having some problem with his child and the tables turned. Things were said from his part and my world ended that day, my life changed from that point on. I won’t go into full details there because even though some of you know who I’m talking about, most of you don’t and I want to keep it like that.

Anyways… I fell from the cloud! Was completely lost and didn’t even know WTF was happening. But that’s not where it ends, but rather where it actually began. Even though I was devastated, I still tried to fix things, because I believed that there was just a misunderstanding and he felt trapped, he was insecure and couldn’t tell me what was going on. Guys! I tried EVERYTHING! I became his therapist, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on,  and everything I could possibly think of to make him feel validated, cared for, loved, understood and that he was in a healthy relationship, and that everything that happened before that point was real, our relationship was real, good and solid, that I can be that person for him, if he didn’t already knew that, because I already was all of those things before and he just needed to let me in. But for the next 5 months it was a rollercoaster ride.

Promises that kept being broken, lies that kept coming up, insecurities, and just not the same as it was. Honestly, I realized that all I wanted was for him to be honest with himself and just live his truth! It didn’t matter if it was with me or not! At the of the end of the day, I found myself loving him unconditionally, I realized that all I ever wanted for him was happiness and tranquility. Didn’t matter if it came from me or not, I just wanted him to feel it and say it. So when he said things like 

“I love you, I want to be with you for the long run”, “You have qualities of a lifelong partner”, “I want to see our kids grow and help you raise your girls”, “I want to make it til 95 next to you”

And soo many more things, I kept letting him back in, because I thought we were going to get through it and we were meant to be, no one was going to break that because he wanted me, wanted to share life with me. My kids loved him, trusted him and of course they don’t understand what’s was happening when he left for a week or 2 and then wants to be back because “it’s so hard to be without you” and wanted to be around the girls too, so I let him in every single time. And again it was perfect for a while, and that’s the thing, he was great with everything but just couldn’t be honest about his ex.

But what was the final straw was, when one night he had a little too much to drink and kept apologizing for being an a**h*** and I didn’t understand why he felt that way, so I got him to shower and go to bed and (yes, I did a bad thing and looked through his phone) found out he was messaging his ex, telling her that he loved her and wanted to see her that same night (and honestly I think he had seen her that day anyways) and that he would of wanted her and his child in a “special event” he would eventually have in the near future, when he told me the SAME thing. That BROKE ME. I realized then and only then, that no matter what I did, I was the second plate, second choice, I was the other one, I really wasn’t the one he wanted… and I had to end it. I gave him so many opportunities the next day to just tell me what happened and he omitted the important parts of the story until I called him out. 

It quickly changed to “I can’t keep putting you through this, it’s better if I’m by myself”, “I hope you find someone better, who deserves you”, “you shouldn’t be going through this”, and told him, if that’s what he wanted that was his final decision. I couldn’t keep doing it, trying and trying and nothing, nowhere, 0 feedback, 0 communication, no constructive criticism, nothing… he never gave me the opportunity to actually be in. He didn’t let me in his heart, but he had already taken mine, my everything… So I said it was done… 

But after all the things that happened I did learn quite a few things and honestly, I thank him for that… at the end of the day, makes me a better person, makes me think more internally (meaning; what can I do to help/change/better the situation or of myself) makes me stronger, and like a quote I’ve heard and read multiple times: “Some people come into your life for a season, and some come for a lifetime. Never mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.” Learning that is the hardest thing I’ll do, I always try to see the best in people and want them in my life for a lifetime, but that’s not really what God plans for you, being okay with it, will take me a minute. What you have to do to be able to keep moving on with your life plans/goals is to keep moving forward.

To be continued…

Part 1: Here I go again…

I know I haven’t posted in a really long time and a lot has happened so… I will try to not overwhelm you with soo many words but I do have to talk about this. So no guarantees… I’ll try to separate it in parts, I promise… ANYWAYS

Like I said before my last post, a lot changed in my life, work, kids, home and marriage, things changed. Even though there was a point in my life where I thought I would never be happy again, I was. Let me explain, I met this guy couple months after me and my ex decided that we were done. I started talking to him like everybody else does when they meet somebody nowadays, texts, calls, video chat, etc… At the beginning, I was afraid of being completely honest of who I was and what was my situation, but I really didn’t have anything else to offer but who I am. So I was very honest and clear about my situation; still legally married, having two kids, one being under two (back then) Trying to figure out my situation, trying to find stability, working hard, making goals, everything and anything that I thought about and what I wanted to achieve. He understood, and Our relationship began. 

For several months, I’m not gonna lie, it was wonderful! I feel like I finally made it! found the one, found the person that understood me, my goals, what I wanted to do for my family, and he wanted to be by my side and grow. Little did I know, the whole ordeal that was about to go down.

But before I tell you about that’s downward spiral, let me tell you why I thought he was the one. See for a very long time, in my past relationships, I have felt like I wasn’t  enough, like I reach a certain level but not THE level. I can be this type of person, but not THE person (Meaning lifelong partnership) I do everything I could possibly think of, be the best person I can and still fail. Well when him and I started, everything felt organic, natural and right. Everything we did just worked! We moved in unison, where he went, I went! My thought were his same, we made each other better in so many aspects in our lives, It was like the perfect piece to the puzzle. We took care of each other in every way you can possibly imagine. It was like he was THE one, MY true love, MY soulmate. 

I made it right?! Well not quite, I didn’t realize how much I was giving and how little I was receiving. And I don’t mean in all the other aspects I just mentioned, but in the aspects that really matter to have  a long lasting relationship. Honesty, Communication, Trust and Understanding. See, I didn’t have a problem in sharing all that because, remember, I didn’t have anything else to offer, everything inside of me was broken, felt unworthy, and honestly, he met me in my lowest point of my life. But he understood where I was and where I wanted to be, and he took my hand, and lifted me up. He showed me what it was to feel loved, what it is to feel secured, what it feels like to be in a team/partnership. He showed me everything I wanted/needed. For months we would talk about everything and anything! “No holds back”. And that made me feel like we had it all! Everyone around us even thought that we got the jackpot! His friends, mine… even my girls were loving towards him.

But see, I haven’t always been the best person and have made mistakes, I know I’m not a saint and never did anything wrong, of course I have! I’m juman! BUT… I finally felt like my Karma was broken and done! I had paid my deeds and it was time to be in a REAL ASS adult relationship! And I had it! I finally felt like I was being in a mature adult relationship! Crazy huh? I guess Karma still had one more up her sleeve. 

Here I go again, hopelessly in love and giving my all! when just after my ex and I said quits, I felt that in that moment, I was actually done, no more, not meant for me and just forever single. But no… he came like a wreaking ball, and just like that, took all my walls down, my insecurities, my sadness, my sense of hopelessness and gave me life. Little did I know, he also took all I had to give…

To be continued…

2 years 2 long

 Hello hello people!!

It’s been forever since I wrote anything here so let me catch you up real quick!!

The past two years, I did do counseling, my husband and I figured we shouldn’t be together because there was no progress, he is incapable of wanting a family, marriage and normalcy, soooo we’re getting divorced. But trust me guys I tried for months to figure things out with him but even the counselor knew we should go our separate ways. After that, I started a job and I’ve been working my butt off, trying to buy a house, give my girls stability and set roots here. So it’s been quite eventful. He deployed and came back, I met someone and for a while it was great but now is over… trust me guys I’ll make another post about that, so many insightful things and lessons there.

I will be making more of an effort to write, I miss it and honestly, I need it… I’ll be back soon I promise, it’s time to vent and clear my mind. Juicy s*** coming soon! 

XOXO,

Kally