Part 3: God’s Plan

    I know it’s taken me a while to write this chapter, but I think it needed to happen this way. Lots of things have happened in the last couple of months since the part 2. I’m glad I had already titled part 3 because, two mejor things happened, and YES,  LITERALLY IT'S BEEN GODS PLAN. 

    I got promoted to the best place I could ever work at, cool people and awesome environment. The people that needed to be out of my life, well they are. I have really put everything into Gods hands and let everything flow like it’s supposed to… there’s so many things that has happened that I really have to take a moment and catch you up. 😅

    So… last time I said everything about were I stood with my relationship, I gotta say that we had decided to take therapy together. We both had decided that there’s too much "good" to just give up because of outside circumstances that makes things questionable in our relationship. Going to therapy did helped understand each other’s perspective and where we were at mentally, I have to admit, we tried, but I think there's to many underline circumstances and just too many years of a different lifestyle that he just can't get away from. I decided to just end it before it just kept getting worse, and my mental health and happiness will go full ZERO. Honestly I feel a sense of relief, I tried my best in understanding, giving him multiple opportunities and try every avenue I could possibly do since last November. I wish him the very best and I can only hope that his life continues to go in the right directions and not the wrong ones.

Going back to the promotion 😇

    Let me tell you how it went down…  There was a lot of turmoil when one spot open up for promotion. Myself and two other people who I considered “friends” applied for the position. Everyone was exited and nervous, I started to actually reach out to people who I consider would be the best in the business and teach me things I still had yet to learn. Well apparently, even though it was known that I wanted to promote since I got hired, it was said that, I was going behind the other’s back and “acting” different towards them two, doing what I can to get promoted even if I crossing the professional line (sexual incinuations). I never felt so shocked that the two people I considered my friends, insinuated that and start telling people that! But anyways, the first round I did not get it, one of them did and I was truly happy for her because I actually got to know her in a personal level and I knew she needed this promotion, so I was happy for her, even though after the announcement of her promotion all those other things were said. I was started to get uncomfortable at work due to the other person, but I knew God had a plan because not long after that, we were invited to help out in an inventory at another store. There I saw catches up with some other associates that are in the position that I wanted to promote to. I was just talking to one of them about the differences of the stores between hers, mine and the one we were visiting. The store manager of that store was listening to our conversation, and I'm not joking guys, I think she took all the conversation about everything that I was doing to get my store asa her own interview, because not much longer, our lead asked me and the other person who also wanted to promote, if one of us will transfer there and help out and kinda set ourselves up for the promo and just show the Store Manager what we got. It took me like 7 min to think about it and discuss it with my mom, and knowing what was being said of me, I didn't want to lose the opportunity. I also just wanted to get out of the toxic environment  that my store was creating, I just wanted to do my own thing and focus more on what I really wanted for my career. So I took the job!

    Like I said I'm glad that I had titled this before all of this because now I am where I wanted to be, I got the promotion and I'm working with such awesome people and the other two, they did also get promoted, but they both kinda separated from the team and showed their colors. People asked me what happened and I was honest about it. I wish them both the best and I have never been the type of person to never feel jealousy or envy about other peoples success, on the contrary, I am truly happy that all 3 of us got what we wanted. I am sadden that they would think I was that type of person and said those things about me. Life goes on and life will show them the reality. I can only hope that their lives are blessed and that they achieve all of their goals. Unfortunately, I know our friendship will never be the same but I hope for at least that we can still be in the same room and have normal conversations.

    When you really leave everything in Gods hands, it doesn't matter what obstacles come your way, you will get what you worked for. I kept persevering and my work showed. I was just myself and now I work with an awesome team. Not only at my new store but also with the APOC Team. I'm truly blessed with everything God is taking and putting in my path, I really have to say THANK YOU GOD. He is showing me that leaving everything in his hands and trusting and knowing that everything will fall in place. I know I'm not super religious but I do believe in good things happen to those who believe and trust in the Lord. So for those of you who are having tough times, just believe and let everything in his hands, it'll work out just trust.

Part 2: All I Have

Honestly, I really took a while to write this part, that’s why you see the date gap. Talking about something like this is hurtful but I gotta push myself. See I’ve learned in the past 9-10 years to shelter from social media in a way, from my personal life. I barely post things on social media and when I do, it’s barely related directly to me, it’s more my kids, funny stuff or anything I find I like or enjoy. I promised my self that, when it comes to me and my feelings, not to hold back on anything… so here I am trying… 

So… After a while of being up in the cloud of happiness, one day I literally fell… fell HARD! I remember it like it was today! Blissfully living what I thought was the best time of my life, and honestly, it was!… don’t get me wrong, like I said we were in unison, everything just came naturally, we did everything together, even home projects and it felt AMAZING! Like I said I thought I found THE ONE. But little did I know that, no matter what, no matter how transparent I could have been, no matter how open I was and told him I was there for him, no matter how much I tried to be understanding, no matter how much I believed it was reciprocated, that wasn’t the truth. (After a certain point on) See I became oblivious to the body language, the non-verbal actions that was going on. He one day just said he was having some problem with his child and the tables turned. Things were said from his part and my world ended that day, my life changed from that point on. I won’t go into full details there because even though some of you know who I’m talking about, most of you don’t and I want to keep it like that.

Anyways… I fell from the cloud! Was completely lost and didn’t even know WTF was happening. But that’s not where it ends, but rather where it actually began. Even though I was devastated, I still tried to fix things, because I believed that there was just a misunderstanding and he felt trapped, he was insecure and couldn’t tell me what was going on. Guys! I tried EVERYTHING! I became his therapist, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on,  and everything I could possibly think of to make him feel validated, cared for, loved, understood and that he was in a healthy relationship, and that everything that happened before that point was real, our relationship was real, good and solid, that I can be that person for him, if he didn’t already knew that, because I already was all of those things before and he just needed to let me in. But for the next 5 months it was a rollercoaster ride.

Promises that kept being broken, lies that kept coming up, insecurities, and just not the same as it was. Honestly, I realized that all I wanted was for him to be honest with himself and just live his truth! It didn’t matter if it was with me or not! At the of the end of the day, I found myself loving him unconditionally, I realized that all I ever wanted for him was happiness and tranquility. Didn’t matter if it came from me or not, I just wanted him to feel it and say it. So when he said things like 

“I love you, I want to be with you for the long run”, “You have qualities of a lifelong partner”, “I want to see our kids grow and help you raise your girls”, “I want to make it til 95 next to you”

And soo many more things, I kept letting him back in, because I thought we were going to get through it and we were meant to be, no one was going to break that because he wanted me, wanted to share life with me. My kids loved him, trusted him and of course they don’t understand what’s was happening when he left for a week or 2 and then wants to be back because “it’s so hard to be without you” and wanted to be around the girls too, so I let him in every single time. And again it was perfect for a while, and that’s the thing, he was great with everything but just couldn’t be honest about his ex.

But what was the final straw was, when one night he had a little too much to drink and kept apologizing for being an a**h*** and I didn’t understand why he felt that way, so I got him to shower and go to bed and (yes, I did a bad thing and looked through his phone) found out he was messaging his ex, telling her that he loved her and wanted to see her that same night (and honestly I think he had seen her that day anyways) and that he would of wanted her and his child in a “special event” he would eventually have in the near future, when he told me the SAME thing. That BROKE ME. I realized then and only then, that no matter what I did, I was the second plate, second choice, I was the other one, I really wasn’t the one he wanted… and I had to end it. I gave him so many opportunities the next day to just tell me what happened and he omitted the important parts of the story until I called him out. 

It quickly changed to “I can’t keep putting you through this, it’s better if I’m by myself”, “I hope you find someone better, who deserves you”, “you shouldn’t be going through this”, and told him, if that’s what he wanted that was his final decision. I couldn’t keep doing it, trying and trying and nothing, nowhere, 0 feedback, 0 communication, no constructive criticism, nothing… he never gave me the opportunity to actually be in. He didn’t let me in his heart, but he had already taken mine, my everything… So I said it was done… 

But after all the things that happened I did learn quite a few things and honestly, I thank him for that… at the end of the day, makes me a better person, makes me think more internally (meaning; what can I do to help/change/better the situation or of myself) makes me stronger, and like a quote I’ve heard and read multiple times: “Some people come into your life for a season, and some come for a lifetime. Never mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.” Learning that is the hardest thing I’ll do, I always try to see the best in people and want them in my life for a lifetime, but that’s not really what God plans for you, being okay with it, will take me a minute. What you have to do to be able to keep moving on with your life plans/goals is to keep moving forward.

To be continued…

Part 1: Here I go again…

I know I haven’t posted in a really long time and a lot has happened so… I will try to not overwhelm you with soo many words but I do have to talk about this. So no guarantees… I’ll try to separate it in parts, I promise… ANYWAYS

Like I said before my last post, a lot changed in my life, work, kids, home and marriage, things changed. Even though there was a point in my life where I thought I would never be happy again, I was. Let me explain, I met this guy couple months after me and my ex decided that we were done. I started talking to him like everybody else does when they meet somebody nowadays, texts, calls, video chat, etc… At the beginning, I was afraid of being completely honest of who I was and what was my situation, but I really didn’t have anything else to offer but who I am. So I was very honest and clear about my situation; still legally married, having two kids, one being under two (back then) Trying to figure out my situation, trying to find stability, working hard, making goals, everything and anything that I thought about and what I wanted to achieve. He understood, and Our relationship began. 

For several months, I’m not gonna lie, it was wonderful! I feel like I finally made it! found the one, found the person that understood me, my goals, what I wanted to do for my family, and he wanted to be by my side and grow. Little did I know, the whole ordeal that was about to go down.

But before I tell you about that’s downward spiral, let me tell you why I thought he was the one. See for a very long time, in my past relationships, I have felt like I wasn’t  enough, like I reach a certain level but not THE level. I can be this type of person, but not THE person (Meaning lifelong partnership) I do everything I could possibly think of, be the best person I can and still fail. Well when him and I started, everything felt organic, natural and right. Everything we did just worked! We moved in unison, where he went, I went! My thought were his same, we made each other better in so many aspects in our lives, It was like the perfect piece to the puzzle. We took care of each other in every way you can possibly imagine. It was like he was THE one, MY true love, MY soulmate. 

I made it right?! Well not quite, I didn’t realize how much I was giving and how little I was receiving. And I don’t mean in all the other aspects I just mentioned, but in the aspects that really matter to have  a long lasting relationship. Honesty, Communication, Trust and Understanding. See, I didn’t have a problem in sharing all that because, remember, I didn’t have anything else to offer, everything inside of me was broken, felt unworthy, and honestly, he met me in my lowest point of my life. But he understood where I was and where I wanted to be, and he took my hand, and lifted me up. He showed me what it was to feel loved, what it is to feel secured, what it feels like to be in a team/partnership. He showed me everything I wanted/needed. For months we would talk about everything and anything! “No holds back”. And that made me feel like we had it all! Everyone around us even thought that we got the jackpot! His friends, mine… even my girls were loving towards him.

But see, I haven’t always been the best person and have made mistakes, I know I’m not a saint and never did anything wrong, of course I have! I’m juman! BUT… I finally felt like my Karma was broken and done! I had paid my deeds and it was time to be in a REAL ASS adult relationship! And I had it! I finally felt like I was being in a mature adult relationship! Crazy huh? I guess Karma still had one more up her sleeve. 

Here I go again, hopelessly in love and giving my all! when just after my ex and I said quits, I felt that in that moment, I was actually done, no more, not meant for me and just forever single. But no… he came like a wreaking ball, and just like that, took all my walls down, my insecurities, my sadness, my sense of hopelessness and gave me life. Little did I know, he also took all I had to give…

To be continued…

2 years 2 long

 Hello hello people!!

It’s been forever since I wrote anything here so let me catch you up real quick!!

The past two years, I did do counseling, my husband and I figured we shouldn’t be together because there was no progress, he is incapable of wanting a family, marriage and normalcy, soooo we’re getting divorced. But trust me guys I tried for months to figure things out with him but even the counselor knew we should go our separate ways. After that, I started a job and I’ve been working my butt off, trying to buy a house, give my girls stability and set roots here. So it’s been quite eventful. He deployed and came back, I met someone and for a while it was great but now is over… trust me guys I’ll make another post about that, so many insightful things and lessons there.

I will be making more of an effort to write, I miss it and honestly, I need it… I’ll be back soon I promise, it’s time to vent and clear my mind. Juicy s*** coming soon! 

XOXO,

Kally