Apr 10, 2020
Quarantine
Well this whole situation with the COVID19 things is really getting out of control, people going crazy buying items that don’t even make sense, people fighting over stupid things, schools closing, retail stores and pretty much everything in this world for 2+ weeks. This honestly doesn’t bother me, because I’m pretty much at home basically always... but trying to do what my therapist said about taking my hour me time, trying to have intimacy (communication), with someone that really just thinks about his time it’s impossible, we did go to our first marriage counseling and the therapist is going to work with us, and I am anxious to finally open each other’s books and read what the f*** is going on that we can co-parent decent and be almost friend like when we are apart but can’t barely be in the same 4 walls when we are together. Not only are we are all quarantined but I feel stuck with someone that thinks about himself first, second, then us. It’s going to be forever for me, specially not knowing if our Therapist will be able to see us with everything going on. swear he triggers more shit inside me than the damn coronavirus.
Feb 25, 2020
Juggling
It’s been busy busy...
Sorry I haven’t written in a while but having a sick 6 years old and a spouse has been a challenge, cleaning everything consistently so that the baby and I don’t get sick it’s exhausting, going to the hospital a few times, going to my appointments, baby having fuzzy nights... yeah barely no sleep. I can say now with certainty that who ever has more than 2 kids, you ladies/guys are the real MVP because I know for sure I can not do it. I don’t know how my mom survived with 3 kids close in age, I tell her all the time I finally understand why we played so much outside, had summer camps, had activities in the church, etc. She needed her breaks, it was always her or our grandma taking care of us. So cheers 🥂 to her and everyone who does/done it.
Had my few sets of appointments throughout this, saw my therapist and she suggested to have an hour a day to do something for myself without my girls, something I enjoy. Honestly I haven’t been able to take an hour but I have been taking a little bit longer in the shower, just to have that “me time” she said. But I guess when my mom finally moved in with me that would be easier to do 🤞🏼. Also I’ve set (a few times now, since they keep canceling them) my last hearing test to finally know what is going to happen with my hearing, for y’all that don’t know, back in May I lost my hearing on my left side, no infection, no pain, no warning. Had done some testings and no brain tumor 🙌🏻 Nothing looks out of place or damaged 👌🏼 But completely lost it. (Scary for just a 28 years old) So the doctors are doing one last test to pretty much determine what type of hearing aid I’ll be using, unfortunately it will be for the rest of my life because I will never regain my hearing on that side, but hopefully with the aid I’ll be able to get some sort of normalcy, do and go to certain places again, not be lost on house parties ( cuz of the noise and everyone talking at the same time) be able to be in bigger areas with different noises and be able to distinguish each sound, be able to focus on one voice or sound and still be aware of my surroundings, and be able to sleep on my right side again 😂.
Hopefully everything turns out alright and my juggling skills will get better once I have my expert mother come and help me 😁 since she did this with 3 little ones! But I do know I’ve gotten better at juggling house and kids. Honestly though best wishes to everyone who does it with little to no help with more than 2 and close in age, because having the age gap has helped me juggle better. I’m here cheering for y’all as I hope y’all cheer for me! 🥂
Sorry I haven’t written in a while but having a sick 6 years old and a spouse has been a challenge, cleaning everything consistently so that the baby and I don’t get sick it’s exhausting, going to the hospital a few times, going to my appointments, baby having fuzzy nights... yeah barely no sleep. I can say now with certainty that who ever has more than 2 kids, you ladies/guys are the real MVP because I know for sure I can not do it. I don’t know how my mom survived with 3 kids close in age, I tell her all the time I finally understand why we played so much outside, had summer camps, had activities in the church, etc. She needed her breaks, it was always her or our grandma taking care of us. So cheers 🥂 to her and everyone who does/done it.
Had my few sets of appointments throughout this, saw my therapist and she suggested to have an hour a day to do something for myself without my girls, something I enjoy. Honestly I haven’t been able to take an hour but I have been taking a little bit longer in the shower, just to have that “me time” she said. But I guess when my mom finally moved in with me that would be easier to do 🤞🏼. Also I’ve set (a few times now, since they keep canceling them) my last hearing test to finally know what is going to happen with my hearing, for y’all that don’t know, back in May I lost my hearing on my left side, no infection, no pain, no warning. Had done some testings and no brain tumor 🙌🏻 Nothing looks out of place or damaged 👌🏼 But completely lost it. (Scary for just a 28 years old) So the doctors are doing one last test to pretty much determine what type of hearing aid I’ll be using, unfortunately it will be for the rest of my life because I will never regain my hearing on that side, but hopefully with the aid I’ll be able to get some sort of normalcy, do and go to certain places again, not be lost on house parties ( cuz of the noise and everyone talking at the same time) be able to be in bigger areas with different noises and be able to distinguish each sound, be able to focus on one voice or sound and still be aware of my surroundings, and be able to sleep on my right side again 😂.
Hopefully everything turns out alright and my juggling skills will get better once I have my expert mother come and help me 😁 since she did this with 3 little ones! But I do know I’ve gotten better at juggling house and kids. Honestly though best wishes to everyone who does it with little to no help with more than 2 and close in age, because having the age gap has helped me juggle better. I’m here cheering for y’all as I hope y’all cheer for me! 🥂
Feb 14, 2020
Valentine
My Valentine
My forever valentine.... you’ll always be unconditionally loved, perfect in your own infinite world, anything and everything you do is and will be praised, your words may seemed without worth but to me is worthy of all. Every step, achievement, goal gives me joy. Growing and learning will never get old, together will conquer all, knowing what I know... anywhere you’ll go, no matter how long you’ll be gone... forever be my hearts soul. As the years go, I’ll never forget our hearts song, even though someone else will hold you close. To all the years together and apart you’ll always be my one true love.
My forever valentine.... you’ll always be unconditionally loved, perfect in your own infinite world, anything and everything you do is and will be praised, your words may seemed without worth but to me is worthy of all. Every step, achievement, goal gives me joy. Growing and learning will never get old, together will conquer all, knowing what I know... anywhere you’ll go, no matter how long you’ll be gone... forever be my hearts soul. As the years go, I’ll never forget our hearts song, even though someone else will hold you close. To all the years together and apart you’ll always be my one true love.
Feb 7, 2020
Seventh
February 7
The day I came to this world, a day where everyone gets excited about the day they were born, right? This year I think for the first time in my life I'm not looking forward to it, I guess with everything going on in my life I'm just not excited to celebrate my birthday. I have realized that I am alone, no friends, nobody to celebrate it with, no one to actually call and wish me the best (besides mom) yes I will spend time with my daughters but I do that every day, not much of a difference there, sure I'll get the call or text from my mom and her FB post, probably my grandmother will do the same (without the FB post) and my 6-year-old will probably sing to me, but that's about it. Also, I'll get all the happy birthday wishes from all the FB ”friends” but those are just because Facebook reminds everyone, the same message will be said, ”HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAY” or ” HAVE AN AMAZING DAY”.
The reality is no one will actually call to say that, everyone just fades over time and honestly I sit here thinking about it and all the friends I used to hangout with, we’ve gone our separate ways and we don’t keep in touch with each other, so yeah they’ll fb celebrate the day but actually won’t reach out, just another day in the world. True it goes both ways and I haven’t been the best friend that I used to be, I don’t reach out anymore as well, I guess that’s why this year is harder, even though it’s been like that for a few years now, but with my vulnerability being at its peak, yeah I have realized how isolated I’ve put myself that I actually feel alone... Sad.
Yeah it's silly to talk about what you wish would happen, but I honestly can't change the fact that I put myself in this position as well, though I will try to change that from here on out, no one wants to feel alone on their birthday, no one wants to feel alone period. So yeah I may be being a bit dramatic about this, and yeah I know we all grow and go do our own things, but I just want to feel some kind of special on my day. I think this is why I don't look forward to it, I isolated from everyone, became someone different, and now lay in my bed wondering why did I do this to myself. I know it won't change unless I take the steps and do it, so I will try and hope for the best.
So to all my friends that over the years we have slowly lost contact, I'm sorry I've been a crappie friend, sorry I only reach out on your birthday on the most basic way, sorry if I didn't reach out at all. I will try to be different and try to actually reach out to you personally not only on your birthday but just randomly and see where you at in your journey in life. I hope y'all understand, forgive and move forward with our friendship.
Love y'all
Me 💜
The day I came to this world, a day where everyone gets excited about the day they were born, right? This year I think for the first time in my life I'm not looking forward to it, I guess with everything going on in my life I'm just not excited to celebrate my birthday. I have realized that I am alone, no friends, nobody to celebrate it with, no one to actually call and wish me the best (besides mom) yes I will spend time with my daughters but I do that every day, not much of a difference there, sure I'll get the call or text from my mom and her FB post, probably my grandmother will do the same (without the FB post) and my 6-year-old will probably sing to me, but that's about it. Also, I'll get all the happy birthday wishes from all the FB ”friends” but those are just because Facebook reminds everyone, the same message will be said, ”HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAY” or ” HAVE AN AMAZING DAY”.
The reality is no one will actually call to say that, everyone just fades over time and honestly I sit here thinking about it and all the friends I used to hangout with, we’ve gone our separate ways and we don’t keep in touch with each other, so yeah they’ll fb celebrate the day but actually won’t reach out, just another day in the world. True it goes both ways and I haven’t been the best friend that I used to be, I don’t reach out anymore as well, I guess that’s why this year is harder, even though it’s been like that for a few years now, but with my vulnerability being at its peak, yeah I have realized how isolated I’ve put myself that I actually feel alone... Sad.
Yeah it's silly to talk about what you wish would happen, but I honestly can't change the fact that I put myself in this position as well, though I will try to change that from here on out, no one wants to feel alone on their birthday, no one wants to feel alone period. So yeah I may be being a bit dramatic about this, and yeah I know we all grow and go do our own things, but I just want to feel some kind of special on my day. I think this is why I don't look forward to it, I isolated from everyone, became someone different, and now lay in my bed wondering why did I do this to myself. I know it won't change unless I take the steps and do it, so I will try and hope for the best.
So to all my friends that over the years we have slowly lost contact, I'm sorry I've been a crappie friend, sorry I only reach out on your birthday on the most basic way, sorry if I didn't reach out at all. I will try to be different and try to actually reach out to you personally not only on your birthday but just randomly and see where you at in your journey in life. I hope y'all understand, forgive and move forward with our friendship.
Love y'all
Me 💜
Feb 1, 2020
Mommas out there
To everyone who has read my posts:
Wanted to start by saying thanks to all that have read my post and have not been judging, as well for those who have reached out and said that they're here for me. Thanks for real, honestly with all my heart I appreciate it.
One of the main reasons I decided to use this blog again was to vent with the purpose of letting other mommas know that whatever they may be going through or maybe feeling, there are other mommas feeling or going through the same. For me the only way this can happen is by being completely honest and authentic about what’s really going on in my life, saying what I really feel and my real emotions. This is why I am appreciative of the fact that you guys/ladies have not only not judge me but have reached out to say that either they've gone through something similar or they here for me. So it does give me more strength to be more real with my feelings and keep pushing myself to communicate here and with my peeps, there are ladies out there who may be going through the same as me and they just need to see that they are not alone.
So I want to say to all those wonderful, Wonder Woman mommas out there that I am here for y’all too, as well never ever feel like you can’t reach out to someone or look for help, we’re all humans and we all have ups and downs. I ft that way and I'm realizing that you should never feel ashamed. So I promise to be more aware of my friends and those who reach out to me, we’re not alone, even when we feel like we are, let’s heal and progress together. We can do anything we put our minds to, let’s not let our feelings or emotions get the best of us, let's not let ourselves down, we can lift each other up and I am here for this! We can do it!
Love y’all
💪🏼😘
Wanted to start by saying thanks to all that have read my post and have not been judging, as well for those who have reached out and said that they're here for me. Thanks for real, honestly with all my heart I appreciate it.
One of the main reasons I decided to use this blog again was to vent with the purpose of letting other mommas know that whatever they may be going through or maybe feeling, there are other mommas feeling or going through the same. For me the only way this can happen is by being completely honest and authentic about what’s really going on in my life, saying what I really feel and my real emotions. This is why I am appreciative of the fact that you guys/ladies have not only not judge me but have reached out to say that either they've gone through something similar or they here for me. So it does give me more strength to be more real with my feelings and keep pushing myself to communicate here and with my peeps, there are ladies out there who may be going through the same as me and they just need to see that they are not alone.
So I want to say to all those wonderful, Wonder Woman mommas out there that I am here for y’all too, as well never ever feel like you can’t reach out to someone or look for help, we’re all humans and we all have ups and downs. I ft that way and I'm realizing that you should never feel ashamed. So I promise to be more aware of my friends and those who reach out to me, we’re not alone, even when we feel like we are, let’s heal and progress together. We can do anything we put our minds to, let’s not let our feelings or emotions get the best of us, let's not let ourselves down, we can lift each other up and I am here for this! We can do it!
Love y’all
💪🏼😘
Jan 30, 2020
Fly Peacock
Well...
I guess it's been a few days since I wrote, but Tuesday night was the night that made me feel like I will be able to get to where I need to be, see I have these two crazy amazing cousins that always find a way to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel while I laugh. See for some reason we decided to call our trio The Peacocks (hence the title) I won't say they're real names but I'll stick with the nicknames we came up for each other. Pinky is the funniest person I have ever met in my life, see he's the type of person that finds humor in everything and anything, but also a very protective person when it comes to family, specifically with all the female cousins. Nena is... well nena, she's the one who kinda makes pinky and I her guardians but at the same time she's the one who checks up on us, individually and as a group.
They didn't know what I've been going through for the past 6 months and I finally decided to tell them what was going on with me, besides all the side jokes and all the laughing we did, Pinky made me realize that I also have to look internally and see if my wording is incorrect for my partner to understand what I'm talking about, he also said that making the steps that I'm making does show that I do want things to be different and that I do want to things to work out, as well to try some yoga and maybe some exercises to help me clear my mind, also confirmed that I am doing what I need to be doing and shouldn't feel like I've been feeling, but that is okay to feel it as well. Nena pretty much agreed with everything that Pinky and I said but also told me to not be the same person I was before if the outcome is the same, to be smarter and do what I need to do for the benefit of my 2 girls.
I gotta say to them thanks. Thanks Peacocks for letting me share a moment with y'all that is very uncomfortable for me, this whole thing of trying new things and being out of my comfort zone is new and I'm trying for the benefit of my kids and bettering myself, I know I show this strong independent woman but I also have my low moments and I guess in my own way, I try not to disappoint people who see that in me, so sharing my vulnerability is hard, so I thank y'all for not changing the way you see me. I appreciate all the conversations we have and all the laughs we share, our bond grows each passing day and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Love y'all,
Fly Peacock 🦚
I guess it's been a few days since I wrote, but Tuesday night was the night that made me feel like I will be able to get to where I need to be, see I have these two crazy amazing cousins that always find a way to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel while I laugh. See for some reason we decided to call our trio The Peacocks (hence the title) I won't say they're real names but I'll stick with the nicknames we came up for each other. Pinky is the funniest person I have ever met in my life, see he's the type of person that finds humor in everything and anything, but also a very protective person when it comes to family, specifically with all the female cousins. Nena is... well nena, she's the one who kinda makes pinky and I her guardians but at the same time she's the one who checks up on us, individually and as a group.
They didn't know what I've been going through for the past 6 months and I finally decided to tell them what was going on with me, besides all the side jokes and all the laughing we did, Pinky made me realize that I also have to look internally and see if my wording is incorrect for my partner to understand what I'm talking about, he also said that making the steps that I'm making does show that I do want things to be different and that I do want to things to work out, as well to try some yoga and maybe some exercises to help me clear my mind, also confirmed that I am doing what I need to be doing and shouldn't feel like I've been feeling, but that is okay to feel it as well. Nena pretty much agreed with everything that Pinky and I said but also told me to not be the same person I was before if the outcome is the same, to be smarter and do what I need to do for the benefit of my 2 girls.
I gotta say to them thanks. Thanks Peacocks for letting me share a moment with y'all that is very uncomfortable for me, this whole thing of trying new things and being out of my comfort zone is new and I'm trying for the benefit of my kids and bettering myself, I know I show this strong independent woman but I also have my low moments and I guess in my own way, I try not to disappoint people who see that in me, so sharing my vulnerability is hard, so I thank y'all for not changing the way you see me. I appreciate all the conversations we have and all the laughs we share, our bond grows each passing day and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Love y'all,
Fly Peacock 🦚
Jan 24, 2020
A bit of me
A bit of me....
So today I’ve been sitting here in my bed thinking of what part of my life I want to write about, so many things I know I need to get out of me but can’t seem to have a beginning, middle or end.... I guess when your mind is so clouded with weary thoughts, problems that needs solutions, sense of security, plan of action... etc is harder to find a way to relax and not stress.
I’ve been trying for the past 6 months to not fall into a hole of despair, because I just had a beautiful baby girl plus I have my 6 year old princess as well, I have to be strong for them, but it’s so hard knowing you have a partner that is not there mentally and emotionally. It’s a scary thought knowing that your support is yourself, it’s like you’re a single married parent. I have searched for help and I’m still working on it but it does take 2 to tango, I haven’t prayed in so many years, but knowing I want a healthy life mentally and spiritually that I am praying for God to give me the strength to continue my day to day task with a newborn and 6 year old, also to guide me in what to do to fight for my marriage, help my partner be a better husband and father, help me understand the process and trust in him that whatever he has plan for me and my girls would be the best for us. I know I’m not the most spiritual person but I have to pray to the higher power to help me not crumble, things, problems, situations are temporary but my kids happiness and mine are THE most important thing.
I hope I can change my current situation and have a better outlook on things. I will continue searching for help, might get a therapist to help me battle with my own frustrations and mental health so I can be a better person, daughter, mother, sister, friend, wife. I know I might be battling with anxiety and maybe even depression and I’m not ashamed to admit it to myself because I want to be a better version and hopefully help my partner as well, but if I can’t get him to be better, I’ll know I did everything I could for us and myself because at the end of the day I’m doing it for my girls.
I believe that what I’m going through is temporary (hopefully). I know this too shall pass... I have faith my circumstances will change for the better no matter which way it’ll take me. I will stay positive in my dark moments.
I’ve been trying for the past 6 months to not fall into a hole of despair, because I just had a beautiful baby girl plus I have my 6 year old princess as well, I have to be strong for them, but it’s so hard knowing you have a partner that is not there mentally and emotionally. It’s a scary thought knowing that your support is yourself, it’s like you’re a single married parent. I have searched for help and I’m still working on it but it does take 2 to tango, I haven’t prayed in so many years, but knowing I want a healthy life mentally and spiritually that I am praying for God to give me the strength to continue my day to day task with a newborn and 6 year old, also to guide me in what to do to fight for my marriage, help my partner be a better husband and father, help me understand the process and trust in him that whatever he has plan for me and my girls would be the best for us. I know I’m not the most spiritual person but I have to pray to the higher power to help me not crumble, things, problems, situations are temporary but my kids happiness and mine are THE most important thing.
I hope I can change my current situation and have a better outlook on things. I will continue searching for help, might get a therapist to help me battle with my own frustrations and mental health so I can be a better person, daughter, mother, sister, friend, wife. I know I might be battling with anxiety and maybe even depression and I’m not ashamed to admit it to myself because I want to be a better version and hopefully help my partner as well, but if I can’t get him to be better, I’ll know I did everything I could for us and myself because at the end of the day I’m doing it for my girls.
I believe that what I’m going through is temporary (hopefully). I know this too shall pass... I have faith my circumstances will change for the better no matter which way it’ll take me. I will stay positive in my dark moments.
Jan 23, 2020
Back to the Blog
Hey Everyone!
So it’s been forever since I’ve used this, even though this blog was meant for a class I took back in 2016, I’ve decided to use it now to vent through my day to day struggles with parenting, marriage, self worth, anxiety, depression behaviors, etc. I’ve been thinking of a healthy way and safe way to fully vent my struggles without annoying or being a broken record to people I talk to (at least that’s what I think) I will probably do some videos as well just because sometimes I just need to vomit all my frustrations rather than writing them, (also someone told me to try it 🙃) and sometimes I think it’ll be better than just calling or texting someone that probably has heard this before. I’m definitely getting outside of my comfort zone just to try my own way of therapy, and see how it works so please don’t judge me, and yes I’ll still probably vent to my people still but I just want to try a different outlet.
Also, I decided to leave my previous blog post (for now) because those were class related that maybe I will go back and read (eventually) and maybe help me see the perspectives I had back then on some topics and see if my mind has changed. I’ll probably end up deleting them but who knows. My blog used to be called Spring Tech Freak since the class was in spring and having an online blog was new to me and like I said out of my comfort zone, so again bare with me....
But welcome to the new blog called “Confessions of a Venting Freak” reason why I chose that is because I always need to vent to someone and I believe sometimes it’s too much so it can be freaky so why not write about it right?!... uuufff here we go.... 🤞🏼
So it’s been forever since I’ve used this, even though this blog was meant for a class I took back in 2016, I’ve decided to use it now to vent through my day to day struggles with parenting, marriage, self worth, anxiety, depression behaviors, etc. I’ve been thinking of a healthy way and safe way to fully vent my struggles without annoying or being a broken record to people I talk to (at least that’s what I think) I will probably do some videos as well just because sometimes I just need to vomit all my frustrations rather than writing them, (also someone told me to try it 🙃) and sometimes I think it’ll be better than just calling or texting someone that probably has heard this before. I’m definitely getting outside of my comfort zone just to try my own way of therapy, and see how it works so please don’t judge me, and yes I’ll still probably vent to my people still but I just want to try a different outlet.
Also, I decided to leave my previous blog post (for now) because those were class related that maybe I will go back and read (eventually) and maybe help me see the perspectives I had back then on some topics and see if my mind has changed. I’ll probably end up deleting them but who knows. My blog used to be called Spring Tech Freak since the class was in spring and having an online blog was new to me and like I said out of my comfort zone, so again bare with me....
But welcome to the new blog called “Confessions of a Venting Freak” reason why I chose that is because I always need to vent to someone and I believe sometimes it’s too much so it can be freaky so why not write about it right?!... uuufff here we go.... 🤞🏼
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